lunes, 19 de mayo de 2014

How to be parents in 10 lessons

      So that my British friends can enjoy it, I translated into English (in my best possible way) a hilarious text found in that blog ( It's made by two famous Spanish comediants (Gomaespuma). I hope you enjoy it!


1-    To live the pregnancy experience: Hang a bag full of beans over your belly and add a handful of beans everyday during nine months. After those nine months, open the bag and take out the 90% of the beans.

2-    Before rushing into having kids, look for a couple that already had them and study them carefully. Criticize their discipline methods, their lack of patience, their ridiculous levels of tolerance and also criticize them for letting their kids behave like wild creatures. Suggest them some ways of improving the children behaviour at bed time, mealtime or when going to the toilet. Make the most of the experience: that will be the last time you get all the answers.

3-    To get an IDEA about how your nights will be, get a soaked big pillow (between 4 and 6 kilograms) and walk around the living room carrying it in your arms, without sitting down, from 5 pm to 10 pm. Drop it at 10 pm, set the alarm clock to sound at midnight and get some sleep. When the alarm clock sounds at midnight, get up and walk with the soaked pillow again around the living room, while singing cradle songs in the dark. Repeat at 2 am, 4 am and 6 am. Optional: At 4 am you can drive your car around with the soaked pillow. Follow this routine during 5 years. Always put a smiley face.

4-    Is it possible to stand the kids inside the house? To find out, spread some Nutella over the sofa and some jam over the curtains. Hide a piece of battered fish behind your home stereo and leave it there for the whole summertime. Dip your fingers into the garden soil and drag them afterwards along the cleanest walls. Draw over the stains using coloured crayons. Buy five Doberman puppies and let them romp around your bedroom.

5-    Dressing a little kid is simple: First, buy an octopus, ask the greengrocer for a plastic mesh bag and try to introduce the octopus inside, in a way that no tentacle is getting out the holes of the mesh. Don’t get discouraged; you can take the whole morning.

6-    School age children: Keep an (empty) egg box. Turn it into a nice crocodile by using a pair of scissors. Now put a little carton, a ping pong ball and an empty cereals box together and build an exact copy of the Eiffel tower. Start this work at 11pm, time when your kid realised that it had to be ready for tomorrow. Excellent! Now wait for the teacher’s review.

7-    Change your two-door car for a truck. And don’t clean it anymore. After all, it’s a family car with no resale value.  Buy a chocolate ice-cream and smash it against the glove compartment. Introduce two 50 cent coins into the CD slot. Buy a family pack of cookies. Mash them for a while over the back seats. Get out the car and scratch both sides of the vehicle with the key. Perfect!

8-    Going to the supermarket. Take with you the most similar thing to a kid aged less than four (an adult goat would be ideal). If you are thinking about having more than one kid, take two loose goats. Do the shopping for the week without losing sight of the goats. Argue with the security staff, scaling positions (but always without losing sight of the goats). When reaching the store manager, choose another supermarket.

9-    Feeding a kid: Buy a watermelon, drain the content and make a little hole in the side. Hang it from the ceiling and hit it to make it bounce. Now get a plate of pumpkin purée. Try to introduce spoonfuls of purée inside the watermelon, while making them look like an aeroplane.  Keep trying until the half of the purée has been used. Then, pour the rest over your lap and spill a lot over the floor.

10- Bath time: Get an adult cat (preferably a stray or semi-wild cat). Put your best suit on (if man) or stockings and high heel shoes (if woman). Fill the bath with warm water and rubber toys. Then, introduce the cat into the bath and clean it with shampoo. After rinsing it and drying it with a towel, follow the previously indicated procedure of the octopus and the mesh bag, Repeat every night along 5 years.

If you manage to go through all these steps, you are ready to have children whenever you want. The rest will be the best thing ever happening in your life!